A reminder to all channel owners: If you happen to change ISP's or have a change of email address please let someone in #channels know. If for any reason cservice needs to get in touch with you in regards to your channel we need a valid email address. You can also let cservice know by sending an email to slirc-register@starlink-irc.org

A short column of made-up facts and non-information brought to you by your friendly neighborhood arachnid

FOGWEB FOLLIES

FOGWEB FOLLIES will not be presented in this issue, as the Blue Spider is hospitalized. He hopes to be back on all 8 feet by next month's issue.

#Tatooine - Jedi_QuiGo
#smooth4sweets - sweetsguy
#FSG-StarCraft - Sheriam
#teenadvice - Wes17 #star_trek - viperslady #sassy^s-place - Sassy^D
#Georgia - Reggie
#ircchatfun - STING
#yub - noH
#romance_corner - StevenB
#egyptology - Nefertari
#lunchladyland - Katie
#ColorBook - SennaxoR
#uss-harbinger - Patrick

If you have a chance, do stop in and give these folks a friendly Hi!

A very important article regarding Viruses has been posted at: http://www.starlink-irc.org/slnews/web_safe_jul99.html. This article will only be posted for a limited time, so read it, copy it, and heed it!

Regular Network Event Schedule
Note: All times are Eastern US

Contributed by Brad of #SLIRC_Cafe:

IF AN O/S RAN YOUR AIRLINE -

DOS Airline: Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then they push again, jump on again and so on.

DOS with QEMM Airline: The same thing - with more leg room to push.

MAC Airline: All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and that everything will be done for you without you having to know, so just shut up.

OS/2 Airline: To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill out a form showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train, or a bus. If you succeed in getting on board the plane and the plane succeeds in getting off the ground, you have a wonderful trip... except for the times when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you have time to say your prayers and get in crash position.

Windows Airline: The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane, and a completely uneventful takeoff...then, once in the air, the plane blows up without any warning whatsoever.

Win NT Airline: Everyone marches out on the runway, says the password in unison, and forms the outline of an airplane. Then they all sit down and make a whooshing sound like they're flying.

Unix Airline: Everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put >the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they're building.

Mach Airline: There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an airplane, then wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people come, each carrying one piece of the plane with them. These people all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they're building. The plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers on the ground waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands, the pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to inform them they have arrived.

Newton Airline: After buying your tickets 18 months in advance, you finally get to board the plane. Upon boarding the plane, you are asked for your name. After 4-6 times, the crew member recognizes your name and you are then allowed to take your seat. As you are getting ready to take your eat, the steward announces that you will have to repeat the boarding process because they are out of room and need to recount to make sure they can take more passengers

You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape 4.0 or higher."

You name your children Mosaic, Java and Eudora.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap .... .... and your child in the overhead compartment.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.

You start using smileys in your snail mail.

The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.

Only communication in your household is through email.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

You refer to your age as 3.x.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You really did ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

I.V. stand next to your mini tower.

Choice between paying ISP bill and paying for kids education is easy -- if a little painful for your kids.

AT&T names you Customer of the Month for the third consecutive time.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You have to install a second phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

You hide the bill from the spouse because you may have to sell the family car to pay it.

Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

Batteries in the TV remote now last for months.

You hire a housekeeper for your home page.

Your dog has her/his own home page too.

Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.

Your household pets mimic the soundblaster card for attention.

You unsuccessfully try to download a pizza from www.dominos.com.

You try to order a movie from Blockbuster video by downloading it at 28,800 BPS.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." ..............So you check it again.

You can't call your mother ... she doesn't have a modem.

You tell the taxi driver you live at: http://1100.sunset.ave/mansion/brick.html

You're upset because an obituary fails to mention the deceased's new E-Mail address.

You try to pay the babysitter via electronic transfer.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

When your car is crashing through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the Back button.

You want to meet someone new and your first impulse is to turn on your computer.

You double click your TV remote

Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

You come back and check this list every half-hour.

(from Stormy3058@aol)

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