The StarLink-IRC NEWSLETTER |
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StarLink-IRC Network - Your family
friendly cybertown!
Contributors: Please eliminate the forwarding marks (>>>) from submissions!! SL-IRC LOGO STUFF SHAMELESS PLUG We have made available some items
(mugs, t-shirts, sweatshirts, hats) with our logo at Cafepress - http://www.cafeshops.com/slirc
Cafepress sets the item base cost and handles all sales,
production, shipping, and warranty.
StarLink-IRC gets no money from sales of these items.
General Information Why We Are Here: A
#Townhall Special
Presentation
Word Games: Live
Trivia throughout the week.SL-IRC Logo Gear: SL-IRC logo items www.cafeshops.com/slirc Security: www.starlink-irc.org/security/ Webring: www.starlink-irc.org/webring.html Guestbook: www.starlink-irc.org/guestbook. Ombudspersons: www.starlink-irc.org/slirc-org.html#Ombudsman #International: Mutilingual helpers always welcome! Channel Owner Email Updates: If you own a channel and change your contact address, please let a CService rep in #Channels know or send a note to slirc-register@starlink-irc.org NOTE: Web sites shown here may contain executable files or programs. Be advised that StarLink-IRC has no knowledge of the suitability or effects these may have on your system. We advise everyone to make a carefully informed decision prior to running any new software. Please feel
free to send in things you'd like to share
with our
community of chatters
It is with great sadness that I announce the passing of our beloved Lord-Icon of #40Something. Thank you to all of you who attended the memorial service for him in #Townhall. It was a beautiful event and blessed his wife, Kat, greatly. I will have the log of the service available in the near future for those of you who missed it but would like to read the log. As is the way of our world... while there is always death (please note the beautiful memorial mention of treecat in "Amazing and Lesser Things" below)... we have new babies in our midst! August 29th was a difficult day for many of us in the Gulf Region as we remembered the day of Katrina’s assault and the difficulties that followed. It was a day, also, of hope and of thanksgiving. A big thank you to so many who are still working so hard to help families and businesses to recover and rebuild in this storm-torn area. A special message from PhilS in "Who's Doing What" below. Reading this made me miss Patty very much. Our family had the great pleasure of meeting her as she traveled through Louisiana and we cherish the memories of that visit. Thank you for sharing this with us, PhilS!! NOLady |
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VERY SPECIAL
ANNOUNCEMENTS
Congrats to IRC Op g-force on the birth of his first child, Zoë Audrey. Zoë was born August 18, 2006. She weighed in at 7 pounds, 11 ounces and was 20 ½ inches long. Zoë is healthy and beautiful! For those of you who don’t know g-force, he isn’t around often these days but he is a major part of the bedrock of StarLink-IRC and he is ever appreciated. Blessings to the g-force family!! Congrats to IRC Op Makk on the birth of her beautiful new granddaughter, Ezri Ei, 7 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long. Ezri was born September 1, 2006, welcomed by her two big brothers, Xavier and Jonaus. Welcome to the world, Ezri!! Your BIRTHDAY TREE September's gemstone is Sapphire, the symbol of Purity. September's flower is the Aster October's gemstone is Opal, the symbol of Mystery. October's flower is the Amaryllis DAYS OF NOTE Sep 3 FATHER’S DAY Australia and New Zealand
From before - From the Langa List - "Don't be fooled" .. there are folks out there trying to scam people looking for "real" software. This one is about Spybot (highly recommended) and the cheap imitations. Always check VERY closely when looking for any software - be sure you have the right URL and are getting the right product. If you're not sure, go back to the source and re-ask. Always better safe than sorry |
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In Memoriam for treecat who passed away Sept 14th, 2005...hard to believe it's been almost a year already
Thanks to everyone for making StarLink-IRC the wonderful cybertown that it is! As some of you might know, there are other nets out there with the word 'starlink' in them. When telling your friends about what net you chat on -- PLEASE make sure you say StarLink-IRC.Org. And don't forget There is a quick list of servers at http://www.starlink-irc.org/serverlist.html |
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#mongoose^s_den mongoose Our very own makk will be continuing treecat's tradition of welcoming the newest residents to our friendly neighborhood cybertown. |
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Let us know what's
happening in YOUR channel at newsletter@starlink-irc.org
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contributed by everyone
Starlink-IRC brings Autreat
Conference Online
Many thanks to the ops at Starlink-IRC, for enabling an online "first" for us. I'm on the conference program committee of Autism Network International http://www.ani.ac the autistic self-advocacy organization co-founded in 1992 by three autistic adults: the Australian writer Donna Williams, and two Americans, Jim Sinclair and Kathy Grant. Our annual conference, Autreat (short for "autistic retreat"; see http://www.ani.ac/autreat.html), took place this year June 26-30 in metro Philadelphia. We had face-to-face attendees from as far away as New Zealand, England, and Israel, and from all across North America, but we wanted to experiment with making Autreat accessible for many more people who could not physically travel to Philadelphia. So we turned to the Internet, and in particular to IRC as a medium, and in even more particular :-) to Starlink-IRC, which is already home to two autism-oriented channels, #autism and #asperger. Martijn Dekker, a co-owner of #asperger on Starlink-IRC and himself an adult on the autism spectrum, had laid the groundwork for us by having conducted a few sessions on Starlink-IRC from various conference venues in the past, to demonstrate IRC as a medium for socializing and mutual support uniquely suited to the characteristics of many folks in the worldwide autistic community: geographically far-flung and often isolated, generally less computer-phobic than the mainstream population, often more articulate via keyboard than in face-to-face speech. Our modest experiment at Autreat 2006 consisted of setting up an IRC channel in which we had a channel-op/scribe at the conference transcribe what was being said during a conference session, and field and relay questions and comments from the online audience that had /JOINed the channel. The transcription worked much like closed-captioning for live television broadcasts. The relaying of questions and commentary from the online audience involved the scribe signaling for and obtaining the floor in the face-to-face conference. We were online for two Autreat sessions: the annual "Ask an NT" panel, and a memorial event for Patty Clark. The "Ask an NT" panel is the converse of the sessions at autism conferences organized by (mostly non-autistic) mainstream conference organizers featuring panels of autistic individuals describing their own lives and answering questions from the (mostly non-autistic) audience. At Autreat, most attendeesare on the autism spectrum themselves, or what we in the autistic community call Cousins: people with a scattering of autistic traits but no diagnosis, or people with other conditions (such as bipolarity, unipolar depression, obsessive-compulsivity, Tourette's, nonverbal learning disability, and hydrocephalus) which have significant overlaps of common experience and sequelae with the autism spectrum. So Autreat's "Ask an NT" session invites non-autistic people (in particular, NT, or "neurologically typical" people from the mainstream population) to participate on a panel in which we folks on the spectrum can ask questions about how and why mainstream folks do the things they do, that we don't, instinctively. The "Ask an NT" panel at Autreat 2006 was our first attempt at transcribing a live panel session onto IRC. It wasn't perfect -- sometimes the lag between when an online participant typed a question and when the floor could be gotten to ask it in the face-to-face session was long and frustrating, and sometimes the sheer volume and speed at which things were said overwhelmed the bandwidth of the transcriptionist and comments on one side or the other were lost -- but I think it was a great first attempt. The transcription onto IRC of the memorial event for Patty Clark was a particular success and benefit -- it enabled Patty's partner Jared and his sister, and Patty's best online friends, to join those in Philadelphia in remembering her life. Patty Clark (1944-2005) was a long-time participant on Starlink-IRC, and an energetic and capable member of the autistic self-advocacy community. Patty knew how to "work both sides of the street" as an advocate: she was in the vanguard of the autistic self-advocacy movement, and at the same time an officer of her state chapter of the ("establishment", non-autistic-run) Autism Society of America. More about her can be found online at http://www.pattymemorial.org and http://www.autistics.cc (her own website, as she left it when she died). She was a real constructive presence on #autism, #asperger, and elsewhere on the 'Net and in real life, and left many friends behind when she died suddenly and all too soon last year at age 61. The technical implementation of our modest experiment was a good story too. After 3 fruitless days of attempting to get any of our attendees' laptops' wireless NICs to talk to the (heavily locked-down) wireless access points at our conference venue, we went with "Plan B": I went to Radio Shack, bought 100' of RJ-11-tipped 4-conductor phone cord, got the conference host to enable local dialout on a phone in the utility room in back of the conference presentation room, and used the local (quaintly low-speed) Earthlink dialup PoP to connect to Starlink-IRC :-). It was 100% pure 1998-era technology... a 19.2kB dialup connection on an ancient 133MHz Pentium-1 laptop running Win98. (The Pentium-1 had a modem, of course :-).) ... But it *worked*! Kinda like a ham radio field day. This year, we were not sure it was all going to work until we could verify that the phone could dial out, until we were sure we could boot up that old Pentium-1 laptop with the modem, and until we found the 100' roll of phone cord at Radio Shack :-). Next year, we'd like to do this again, perhaps for more than two conference sessions. And with better advance troubleshooting of the available 'Net connectivity! And we'd like to publicize it better. Stay tuned for an announcement in the Starlink-IRC newsletter next May or June; the conference itself is generally the last week in June. We'll also announce the availability of "Virtual Autreat" via Starlink-IRC in our own publicity for Autreat 2007, including a link to Starlink-IRC's website in the online conference information on the ANI website. Thanks to the many members of #asperger who signed on as supporters of our temporary #Autreat channel, and who were among those who joined us for the online Autreat sessions. And again, big thanks to the Starlink-IRC ops for registering our temporary #Autreat channel and working with us through several changes of hostmask :-) as we struggled to establish 'Net connectivity from our conference presentation room at Autreat 2006. Looking forward to next year... PhilS
Happy Spring Chat Friends. Well school is almost out for some. Mine are out May 22nd so now we need recipes that are fast and easy and that kids will enjoy this Summer. I have 3 great recipes 2 being diabetic recipes. Hope that you all enjoy them. Send your recipes and Helpful household tips to cookingonthewildside and keep cooking on the wildside. wildchild
Angels Fall
By Nora Roberts ISBN 0399153721
Published by Putnam, hardcover, $25.95 Available in bookstores on July 11, 2006 this book was #2 on the New York Times Best Seller List, (fiction), by August 6th and #1 on August 13th...kind of self-telling, isn't it? Nora Roberts has arrived and, so far, appears to maintain the quality and appeal of her romantic suspense novels. Roberts has over 280 million books in print, movies of her books, TV movies upcoming and over two million hits on her web site a month. This book attests to her successes. Reece Gilmore has traveled a long way to see the stunning view below her. She left the East to clear and heal her heart and mind as the sole survivor of a brutal crime. Temporarily stopping in Angels Fist, Wyoming, (near Jackson Hole), she takes a job in a diner. Hiking up a local mountain, she begins to relax, to feel whole again. At the top of the mountain, she reckons that the view of the Snake River and the surrounding wholeness of nature at its best, are healing and soothing. She exhales. Then she sees a man and woman on the opposite bank...arguing, fighting. Suddenly, the man is on top of the woman, his hands around her throat...binoculars bring the scene in all too clearly. Just down the mountain, a gruff, solitary loner named Brody is hiking the trail. By the time Reece runs into him while trying to get closer to the scene, the pair has vanished. They find nothing, no signs of struggle, nothing disturbed, no tire tracks. No one in town seems to believe her; she is a newcomer, not used to the altitude. Besides, she appears jumpy, jittery and somewhat fragile. She knows there is a killer in Angels Fist. A series of obvious (to her) events convinces her that someone wants her out of the way. She has to trust Brody, the only person who seems to believe her, and herself to determine if there is, indeed, a killer in Angels Fist. Sheriff Rick Mardson loses interest when he finds no clear evidence of any foul play; Doc Wallace only takes note of the fragile mental state of Reece and Joanie, the owner of the diner, has running a busy kitchen on her mind. Reece and Brody set out to find the truth and a cleverly woven romance adds spice to the story. I know the area of this intriguing story well; Nora Roberts describes it beautifully and correctly. She has captured the freedom of space and the natural beauty of the area. Her character building is superb and suspense remains until the end. This is a good read. Lorellei If you have a book you'd like reviewed, send an email with the subject "For Book Nook"; we're glad to have suggestions! If you'd like to review a book yourself, let us know. It's good to have fresh viewpoints!
As Autumn approaches it is time to check on your dog's/cat's immunization. The risk of rabies is higher this time of year and any pets that roam outside are at risk. Even pets kept in a fenced in yard are at risk of being bit by a carrier. If you are unsure about the last time you took your pet in for his or her rabies shot, then call your vet. They have records and can tell you if you need to bring your pet in. The cost of one vaccination is far less then the cost of treating a stricken family member, 2 or 4 legged. The following was sent to me by a chat friend. I couldn't agree more! I have always said, If there are no dogs in heaven, then I don’t want to go.Thank you Oma for sharing this with us! A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the man “Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, and then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven," he answered. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind." |
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This one will keep you busy (and laughing) for a long time: http://rinkworks.com/stupid/ Thanks to CaptThom of #CaptainsQuarters for this link: I found this new HIRES radar site for anyone interested in checking the weather, its a radar loop and its also clickable to zoom into a doppler site where you click, enjoy! CaptThom http://radar.weather.gov/Conus/full_loop.php And also for this link where you can find the Windows XP Services Default Settings Guide: http://www.tweakhound.com/xp/defserv.htm We appreciate your resourcefulness, CaptThom! Do you have a web site that has been particularly informative or helpful? Let us know, so we can travel through cyberspace to visit it, too!
No tips this time
Nothing
this month.
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It was a bit less than all 80g Less than 40 Less than 10 Less than 1 Less than .000000000001 Ok fine, there was NO backup. Now they are getting a backup drive. Timing is everything isn’t it? Oh and while I can’t tell you who did it, the fact that it happened at all is AMAZING isn’t it? til next month .... Itsy |
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Whether it's lighthearted, serious,
poignant, or just plain silly, send your contributios to the
newsletter with LIBRARY in the subject line.
Thanks to Loopy^ for this important reminder:
A WIFE'S PRIDE
A proud military wife. (Mrs. Kimble, a California native, currently lives in Alabama.) I was sitting alone in one of those loud, casual steak houses that you find all over the country. You know the type--a bucket of peanuts on every table, shells littering the floor, and a bunch of perky college kids racing around with longneck beers and sizzling platters. Taking a sip of my iced tea, I studied the crowd over the rim of my glass. My gaze lingered on a group enjoying their meal. They wore no uniform to identify their branch of service, but they were definitely "military:" clean shaven, cropped haircut, and that "squared away" look that comes with pride. Smiling sadly, I glanced across my table to the empty seat where my husband usually sat. It had only been a few months since we sat in this very booth, talking about his upcoming deployment to the Middle East. That was when he made me promise to get a sitter for the kids, come back to this restaurant once a month and treat myself to a nice steak. In turn he would treasure the thought of me being here, thinking about him until he returned home I fingered the little flag pin I constantly wear and wondered where he was at this very moment. Was he safe and warm? Was his cold any better? Were my letters getting through to him? As I pondered these thoughts, high pitched female voices from the next booth broke into my thoughts. I don't know what Bush is thinking about. Invading Iraq. You'd think that man would learn from his old man's mistakes. Good lord. What an idiot! I can't believe he is even in office. You do know, he stole the election." I cut into my steak and tried to ignore them, as they began an endless tirade running down our president. I thought about the last night I spent with my husband, as he prepared to deploy. He had just returned from getting his smallpox and anthrax shots. The image of him standing in our kitchen packing his gas mask still gives me chills. Once again the women's voices invaded my thoughts. "It is all about oil, you know. Our soldiers will go in and rape and steal all the oil they can in the name of 'freedom'. Hmph! I wonder how many innocent people they'll kill without giving it a thought? It's pure greed, you know." My chest tightened as I stared at my wedding ring. I could still see how handsome my husband looked in his "mess dress" the day he slipped it on my finger. I wondered what he was wearing now. Probably his desert uniform, affectionately dubbed "coffee stains" with a heavy bulletproof vest over it. "You know, we should just leave Iraq alone. I don't think they are hiding any weapons. In fact, I bet it's all a big act just to increase the president's popularity. That's all it is, padding the military budget at the expense of our social security and education. And, you know what else? We're just asking for another 9-ll. I can't say when it happens again that we didn't deserve it." Their words brought to mind the war protesters I had watched gathering outside our base. Did no one appreciate the sacrifice of brave men and women, who leave their homes and family to ensure our freedom? Do they even know what "freedom" is? I glanced at the table where the young men were sitting, and saw their courageous faces change. They had stopped eating and looked at each other dejectedly, listening to the women talking. "Well, I, for one, think it's just deplorable to invade Iraq, and I am certainly sick of our tax dollars going to train professional baby-killers we call a military." Professional baby-killers? I thought about what a wonderful father my husband is, and of how long it would be before he would see our children again. That's it! Indignation rose up inside me. Normally reserved, pride in my husband gave me a brassy boldness I never realized I had. Tonight one voice will answer on behalf of our military, and let her pride in our troops be known. Sliding out of my booth, I walked around to the adjoining booth and placed my hands flat on their table. Lowering myself to eye level with them, smilingly said, "I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. You see, I'm sitting here trying to enjoy my dinner alone. And, do you know why? Because my husband, whom I love with all my heart, is halfway around the world defending your right to say rotten things about him." "Yes, you have the right to your opinion, and what you think is none of my business However, what you say in public is something else, and I will not sit by and listen to you ridicule MY country, MY president, MY husband, and all the other fine American men and women who put their lives on the line, just so you can have the "freedom" to complain. Freedom is an expensive commodity, ladies. Don't let your actions cheapen it." I must have been louder that I meant to be, because the manager came over to inquire if everything was all right. "Yes, thank you," I replied. Then, turning back to the women, I said, "Enjoy the rest of your meal." As I returned to my booth applause broke out. I was embarrassed for making a scene, and went back to my half eaten steak. The women picked up their check and scurried away. After finishing my meal, and while waiting for my check, the manager returned with a huge apple cobbler ala mode. "Compliments of those soldiers," he said. He also smiled and said the ladies tried to pay for my dinner, but that another couple had beaten them to it. When I asked who, the manager said they had already left, but that the gentleman was a veteran, and wanted to take care of the wife of "one of our boys." With a lump in my throat, I gratefully turned to the soldiers and thanked them for the cobbler. Grinning from ear to ear, they came over and surrounded the booth. "We just wanted to thank you, ma'am. You know we can't get into confrontations with civilians, so we appreciate what you did." As I drove home, for the first time since my husband's deployment, I didn't feel quite so alone. My heart was filled with the warmth of the other diners who stopped by my table, to relate how they, too, were proud of my husband, and would keep him in their prayers. I knew their flags would fly a little higher the next day. Perhaps they would look for more tangible ways to show their pride in our country, and the military who protect her. And maybe, just maybe, the two women who were railing against our country, would pause for a minute to appreciate all the freedom America offers, and the price it pays to maintain its freedom. As for me, I have learned that one voice CAN make a difference. Maybe the next time protesters gather outside the gates of the base where I live, I will proudly stand on the opposite side with a sign of my own. It will simply say, "Thank You!" To those who fought for our Nation: Freedom has a flavor the protected will never know. GOD BLESS AMERICA! Please pray for God's protection of our troops and HIS wisdom for their commanders. Pass this on to as many as you think will respond. "Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need. I ask this in the name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior. Amen" When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our ground, air and navy personnel in every area of the middle east. There is nothing attached.... This can be very powerful.... Just send this to all the people in your address book. Of all the gifts you could give to anyone in the US Military, be it Air Force, Army, Navy, Marines, Coast Guard or National Guard, Prayer is the very best one. Thanks to Poliwogg of #40Something for this
one:
Playing with words
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. 2. A will is a dead giveaway. 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count who votes. 6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. 7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. 8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. 10.When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 11.The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. 12.You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 13.Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under. 14.He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 15.A calendar's days are numbered. 16.A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. 17.A boiled egg is hard to beat. 18.He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 19.A plateau is a high form of flattery. 20.The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large. 21.Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 22.When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 23.If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine. 24.When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. 25.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 26.Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 27.Acupuncture: a jab well done. 28.Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet. Maxims of the Internet Age
1) Home is where you hang your @ 2) The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3) A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4) You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5) Great groups from little icons grow. 6) Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7) C: is the root of all directories. 8) Don't put all your hypes in one home page. 9) Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. 10) The modem is the message. 11) Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12) The geek shall inherit the earth. 13) A chat has nine lives. 14) Don't byte off more than you can view. 15) Fax is stranger than fiction. 16) What boots up must come down. 17) Windows will never cease. 18)In Gates we trust. 19) Virtual reality is its own reward. 20) Modulation in all things. 21 )A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 12) Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. 23) There's no place like http://www.home.com 24) Know what to expect before you connect. 25) Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 26) Speed thrills. HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY
TO HAVE CHILDREN...
MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. TOY TEST Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night. GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. DRESSING TEST Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside. FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. INGENUITY TEST Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. AUTOMOBILE TEST Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect. PHYSICAL TEST (Women) Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. PHYSICAL TEST (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture themon how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers. Thanks to Itsy for this one:
DUI - TENNESSEE STYLE.
Only a person in TENNESSEE could think of this! From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this absolutely true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Paris, Tennessee. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." Thanks to LindyM for this one:
Stories from Grandmothers:
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?" After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?" A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read." I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!" Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Grampa, it was the 20,000 leaks!!" When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant. There’s a lot of wisdom in this one: A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE..
A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... One friend who Always makes her Laugh... And one Who lets her cry... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... A good piece of furniture not previously owned by Anyone else in her family... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE Eight matching plates, Wine glasses with stems, And a recipe for a meal that will Make her guests feel honored. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... A feeling of control over Her destiny... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... How to fall in love Without losing herself... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... HOW TO QUIT A JOB BREAK UP WITH A LOVER AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... When to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... That she can't change The length of her calves, The width of her hips, or The nature of her parents... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... That her childhood May not have been Perfect... but; Its over... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... What she would and Wouldn't Do for love or more... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... How to live alone... even if She doesn't like it... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... Whom she can trust, Whom she can't, And why she shouldn't Take it personally... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... Where to go... Be it to her best friend's kitchen table.. Or a charming inn in the woods... When her soul needs soothing.. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... What she can and can't accomplish In a day... A month... And a year. GUMBO FOR THE HEART AND MIND
I Forget As I grow older I forget things all the time. I forget to stop and pick up stuff for the wife. I forget where I placed my glasses. I forget names of people I’ve met, and places I’ve been, but for some reason there are things I’ll never forget. The cry of a hurt child. The scared look on a hurt child’s face. The abnormal silence of a hurt child. (Silence in a hurt child is not a good sign) The blank stare of a hurt child. The smell of huge amounts of blood. The smell of burnt flesh. The vague outline of a burnt body in the ruins of a house fire. Arriving on scene and someone telling me a child is still inside the burning trailer. The look on a Mothers face when she realizes her newborn is not alive. The anguish in the face of relatives gathered around while CPR is in progress. A panic on the face of a husband looking for his wife at the scene of a shooting. Taps at a fallen Firefighters funeral. The color returning to an ashen face during ACLS. The cry of a newborn you just delivered. Holding and then handing a newborn to the worried and anxious new father. The list contains more bad things than good, and if I went on with the list in the end there would be more bad things than good things. That’s the nature of the profession we choose. We see and experience more bad things than good so I guess it’s normal we remember more bad things than good. Yes! As I grow older I forget things at times, but some things I don’t think I’ll ever forget. RetJaxFF of #40Something Retired Firefighter/Paramedic |
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Get Well Soon
Follow these instructions and you'll feel better in no time: Eat your chicken soup Get plenty of rest Drink lots of fluids Take two aspirin And email me in the morning! God.Com
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